Name: Upset the Vows
Price: 12 USD

We all have different views of marriage.
What is your secret to a long lasting and fulfilling marriage? 
Imagine an old age couple walking down the street holding hands who have been married for 59 years - what is their secret? 

Does it come down to good communication, vulnerability, forgiveness? 
The great secret of Marriage is a picture of Jesus' love for us. Every marriage is supposed to represent how Christ loves the church. Jesus died for her so that He could be with her for eternity (Ephesians 5:31). Tim answers this question over the course of several videos and invites you to join him on discovering what the secret to marriage really is.

Upset the Vows Introduction 

Foundations 

Find out what Tim believes is the secret to being married for the long haul.

The Bible starts with a marriage in Genesis 2:22 and ends with a marriage in Revelation 21 and 22. 
Marriage begins with God bringing woman to man. Marriage takes place because God officiates it. 
Tim sets the scene for a perfect wedding and explains the symbolism of each part in alignment with scripture. 
Tim explains the roles God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit play in the wedding ceremony and that the Bride is the church (you and I).

Marriages are an expression of that wedding ceremony.

God the Officiant 

The Bible starts and ends with marriage. God instituted marriage and will ultimately fulfill The Marriage in the end.

Tim shares three ways in which marriage points to Jesus:
1. Marriage shows Unity - when you get married, two people become one - they are joined together to become one flesh. Christ loves the church so much 
2. Marriage shows sacrifice - Jesus was sacrificial - He died so that we could be closer to God 
3. Marriage shows love - our love in marriage reflects Jesus’ love for His church

Your marriage can model Jesus to the world.
The secret is Marriage shows Christ’s love for us - the Church.

Marriage Shows Jesus 

Tim explains three ways in which marriage explains Jesus.

Tim explains that your marriage is a picture of Jesus and the church. 
Whether this whole concept is foreign to you or not, Tim encourages us that no matter where you are in your relationship in marriage or single or divorced, you are a part of a family. Your life becomes a picture that is painted on the canvas of humanity because you came from a family. 

The Secret’s out and you’re a part of it.

The Secret's Out 

The secret is out - that your marriage is a picture of the church. Tim shares what this looks like.

We can get so caught up in the atmosphere of a wedding that we often take our vows lightly. Vows are made with serious commitment and the officiant gives a serious charge to the bride and groom. 

Tim explains the steps that are taken leading up to the bride and the groom's vows. There are two sets of vows. The first set of vows are unto God and then the second set of vows are unto one another.  

Have you forgotten these vows? These vows are unto God. You declared your love publicly in front of your family and friends.
Understanding the seriousness of these vows should change the way you look at your marriage.

The Vows 

Marriage Is a Covenant 

Your marriage vows are serious and shouldn’t be entered into lightly. Have you forgotten these vows? Understanding these vows could change the way you look at your marriage.

Tim acknowledges the importance of the wedding vows you made. 
Remember: 
• You gave your word to God before you gave your word to the other person
• You gave your word to your partner
• You gave your word in front of witnesses - you declared your love in front of friends and family

Don’t forget the vows you made, they are important and what keeps a couple together.

You Gave Your Word

im reminds you of some important things to remember with the commitment you made on your wedding day.

Tim explains that the vows you make should be taken seriously, but shouldn’t be scary.

The big secret is that Marriage is a representation of Jesus and His church.
In Matthew 28:18-20 Jesus reassures us He will never leave us or forsake us. 
Look at marriage as being a forever commitment that we don’t leave.

When you have a commitment to each other, there is safety, but when you break a commitment, there’s dishonor.
Make the commitment and keep your commitment “until death do you part.”

Don't Be Scared, Just Take It Seriously 

Tim advises you not to be scared of marriage, but to recognize the significance of the vows.

How comfortable are you with vulnerability? 
The more you share with your partner, the more vulnerable and naked you become with them.
How much information have you shared with your partner? Have you revealed your soul and the deep parts of you to your partner? 

Genesis 2 God puts Adam to sleep and split in half - from that half God formed Eve and brought her back to Adam and they both became one. The beautiful thing about marriage is that you can come together with one person who has exclusively given you permission to be at your best and your worst and they aren’t leaving. 

Marriage says “We will stick together through the best and the worst” 
When you really get naked, you need to bring the issue to your spouse first and not wait for them to find out.

So Get Naked with your partner, be brave, be bold and point out your weaknesses to them and you will be like Adam and Eve in Genesis 2 where they were naked and unashamed.

Get Naked 

Vulnerability in Marriage

Tim invites you to get naked! Well, more specifically get vulnerable with your partner.

What do you do when you’ve come clean before and it didn’t work out well?

Tim advises you to get some outside help with counseling and having a mediator for those difficult conversations. You also need to realize you can’t get naked alone - when you were single you never had to answer yourself with what was wrong with you. In marriage your spouse becomes a mirror where you have to own up to what’s wrong and you can no longer run from the struggles.

You can’t understand yourself by yourself - your spouse will bring the best and the worst out of you.

Realize you can’t get naked with anyone else - your spouse is the only one you need to be the most intimate with. Give yourself permission to be vulnerable in a way you’ve never been before with your spouse. 
Be brave and bold and commit to living a naked life.

How to Get Naked 

Tim shares what it takes to get naked and vulnerable with your spouse.

Tim opens up and shares from his experiences of when conversations didn’t go well in the past with Juliette.

Sometimes your spouse doesn’t know how to handle what you have to say so you need to think before you speak to them.

Tim shares how you might go about inviting your spouse into a deeper level of vulnerability and role plays how you could introduce hard conversations with them.

Don't Be Afraid to Try Again 

What do you do if you’ve opened up and felt rejected? Tim shares some strategies to help you try again.

You come into every relationship with baggage. There is physical, relational, spiritual and emotional baggage. 

Bags are not the issue, it’s whether or not we unpack them. 
Are you willing to unpack your bags in your marriage? 

Acknowledge your bags and bring them up to your spouse - confess to your spouse what the barriers may be.
Be committed to unpacking your bags with your spouse - sort through your issues and then put it away and don’t let it continue to hinder your marriage.

Unpack Your Bags 

Dealing With Baggage

Everyone comes into their relationships with baggage. What we do with that baggage is the issue. Tim shares how to unpack your bags.

Tim explains that as you unpack your baggage, your relationship with your spouse will improve. Be responsible for unpacking your own bags because you can’t control someone else's baggage. Consistently bring up your baggage, sort through it, label it and then put it away so you know where to file it.

Tim advises you need to make time to organize your baggage and you will be winning at life!

Organize Your Baggage 

Your baggage is your responsibility. Tim shares practical ways to organize your baggage.

In Genesis 3, God asks the question “Where are you?” - This is the first self-awareness question asked in human history. The greatest implication of God’s investigation into knowing if Adam knew where he was was by Adam being able to take inventory of himself. 

Ask yourself today - Where are you right now? Are you at peace today? Are you content today? Are you experiencing joy today? 
Asking yourself these questions can literally change the way that you live your life. Be self-aware when unpacking your bags.

Where Are You? 

God asked Adam in the Garden “Where are you?” Tim correlates this scene with our lives today and asks us the same question.

We have others to talk to, but we need to bring our baggage to God.

Ask God, " What do I need to change?” You will get an answer to your question. Tim advises you to develop a prayer life that isn’t just about others, but is also about you.

Ask the questions: “Is it my tone, my behavior, or my actions that need to change?” Be brave and ask God to show you what needs to change and don’t be afraid to wait for the answer.

Get With God 

Tim shares the importance of bringing your baggage to God.

Submission has been an icky word and is often hard for us to talk about. 

People have taken the S word to manipulate and control others. The Church has even taken scripture out of context to refer to submission. Submission is about a husband and wife being submitted to one another and then both of them submitted unto God.

Start deferring to each other and start submitting to one another to see if the trajectory of your marriage doesn’t change.

The "S" Word 

Tim shares how biblical submission can be sexy and can strengthen your marriage.

Tim shares Ephesians 5:22; 25 where Paul is writing to husbands and wives on submission. 
Paul gives them different instructions - the husbands need to love their wives and wives are meant to respect their husbands; to submit to them as unto the Lord. Tim reminds us that Marriage is a picture of the love Jesus has for His Church.

Husbands, are you sacrificially loving your spouse? Do you go out of your way in an action to show your wife you love them? Act sacrificially with your love. Christ acted sacrificially for us as He expressed His love for us.

Wives show respect for your husbands through action and reciprocate your husbands love.

Mutually Submitted 

Tim explains what submission looks like from a biblical perspective.

When the word submission is used in a controlling and manipulative way, it can leave us feeling reluctant to explore submission in a healthy context. Maybe you experienced a father or a mother who used the scriptures to justify improper or indecent behavior. If you feel anxiety around this word, Tim reminds us that there is a healthy balance when submission is done in the right context and honors the Lord as a husband and wife submits to one another. 

There’s nothing wrong with biblical submission. You can rest assured as you step into it, you will be safe because it is in context. 

Submission in Context 

Tim addresses when submission has been taken out of context and misused.

Tim reminds you that God called you to help your spouse out in your marriage. This looks like laying down your pride and ego and admitting you need some help to be the person God has called you to be. We need to help each other out. 

Jesus helped us out of the past and our issues and helps us in our present. Jesus prepares us for an eternal relationship we can enjoy together and prepares us for our future. We need to do the same thing for our spouse.

How can you help your spouse? Your spouse needs your help to be the best version of themselves that they can be. Don’t wait until they ask for help. Instead, preemptively initiate helping the other person out and being a cheerleader for them in life.

Help Each Other 

Being a Helpmate 

Tim outlines how essential it is as a couple to help each other out.

Think about how you can help your spouse out and how you can help prepare them for their future too. Help your spouse out in practical ways to be better versions of themselves. When you commit to help each other out, you find beautiful attributes about your spouse you may have never known were there.

For What? 

What are we helping each other for? Tim explains that in marriage, we can help each other out to be better for life and the future.

Too many people invest more time and energy into their wedding day than their marriage. Your marriage is more important than the wedding itself so focus on your marriage first.

Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing - which is having a long, successful, healthy marriage.

Keeping the Main Thing, the Main Thing 

Tim and Juliette Ross Upset the Vows 

Tim and Juliette explain that marriage is about the long haul and not just the wedding day.

What happens when your vows are broken by your spouse? 

There are a lot of things that are said in vows like: “I will love and cherish you... I will honor and respect you…” 
Infidelity isn’t the only thing that breaks vows. Many people feel that their love and respect has been broken. The good news is that there is help! Restoration is possible!

Sacrifice and Broken Vows

Tim and Juliette share how sacred marriage vows are and what happens when they are broken.

We can get stuck as Christians where there are significant challenges in marriage and we don’t know how to move on or how to approach them biblically. 

There are a few things you have to acknowledge when there is dysfunction in your marriage 
1. It didn’t just happen overnight 
2. Acknowledge when things aren’t working out 
3. Relationships don’t work out because of the people in it - you and your spouse. If there is anyone else in it, it is because you have brought them in there - our family/friends/others? You have to take responsibility for our part to play too. 
4. Ask yourself did you open up to unhealthy influences or make poor decisions along the way? 
5. Did you empower this behavior or ignore the signs earlier or dysfunction? 
6. Should you have confronted challenges earlier? 
7. Did you contribute to the behavior? Take responsibility for the part you played.
8. Did you ignore any red flags along the way? 

There are a lot of things that contribute to unhealthiness in marriage. Juliette asks the question - when you committed to the vow “until death do us part,” what did that mean? What was it the death of? Is it the death of communication? There are things other than physical death that can die in our relationships.

You can do the possible things and God does the impossible. 
You shouldn’t hold onto things that Jesus doesn’t hold onto. 

If you are in an abusive relationship (emotionally, mentally and/or physically), both Tim and Juliette suggest getting to a safe place. God loves you and wants you to be safe. Don’t get stuck in the idea of staying married in an unhealthy situation just to save face and we need to address the help that you need.

‘Till Death Do Us Part 

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. “Until death do us part” is a vow you make as a couple, but sometimes no matter how much you committed to those vows, there may be things that happened outside of your control that damage the marriage covenant.

Whether it is abandonment, a hardened heart, an unsafe situation or something else. When you took your vows you never saw this day coming but there is grace and peace, patience and love in making a safe and healthy decision for you. You are doing nothing wrong by putting yourself in a safe situation or when you’ve tried to recover from heartbreak and you need to put up some healthy boundaries to recover.

There are biblical passages that talk about the grounds for divorce that include abandonment from the vows that were made to you. God is a restoring God but He also wants you to be safe in the process and He will work on them and you while He is working on the situation. For restoration to happen, both people have to work at it.

The Decision You Never Wanted to Make 

No one plans on marriage and considers divorce when saying their vows. Sometimes there are irreconcilable differences or situations where divorce may be an option. Tim and Juliette discuss the biblical grounds for divorce and when you should consider them.

The way Tim and Juliette share with one another is through this acronym H.O.T which stands for Honesty, Openness and Transparency.

Juliette shares an analogy about secrets creating walls around you and others. Walls enhance division. You need to expose any secrets, be H.O.T with one another and it will save your marriage. Communication is key to avoiding offenses and will save you time in your marriage.

Being transparent with people keeps you free. Tim challenges you to be H.O.T with your spouse.

Become H.O.T. 

Tim and Juliette talk openly about their strategy for transparency in marriage.

Being H.O.T - meaning honest, open and transparent with your partner leads to difficult conversations. 
Juliette shares how they navigated the challenges in their relationship and when Tim finally owned up to the secrets he was hiding in their marriage. Emotions of anger, betrayal and frustration resulted, but also relief to finally have the truth revealed.

It is a choice to forgive and to take the time to understand the deeper reasons why people choose to sin.

Counseling is key to help resolve these deeper issues. Be a loving spouse, exercise grace and patience.

Reacting When Your Partner Gets H.O.T. 

How do you react when your partner opens up and shares things you don’t want to hear?

It’s risky to be honest, open and transparent in your marriage. There comes a defining point when you need to stop the cycle of shame and pride and open up to your spouse. Risking it all means to fess up and share with your partner what’s really going on in your life and the struggles you face.

The goal is for transparency to become the norm in your life and marriage. Risk it all because vulnerability is worth it every time!

Risk It All: Vulnerability Is Worth It 

Vulnerability paves the way for positive changes in your marriage.

Tim shares about how submission has been given a negative connotation and has often been used to manipulate and control. Tim explains how we can have a positive and balanced view of submission in marriage. Biblical submission is actually sexy and can bring protection and safety in marriage. 

Ephesians 5:21 Submission is a wonderful word when both people are submitted to Christ.
1 Corinthians 11:3 Everyone is submitted to one another.
1 Corinthians 6:19 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

Submission is not a bad thing. It is about unity and not dominance.

"S" Is for Submission 

Believe it or not, submission in your marriage is actually sexy!

Tim and Juliette role model what submission looks like in their marriage and show you how you can respond and submit to one another in a healthy and honoring way.

What Submission Looks Like 

It’s hard to imagine healthy submission so Tim and Juliette role model it for you in this segment.

When you submit to one another, there is protection, safety, intimacy and connectivity. Closeness is a result of submitting to one another and greater affection is a byproduct.

Be submitted to one another and be free!

Submission Enables Intimacy 

Tim and Juliette share some of the benefits of submitting to one another.

Many couples don’t pray together but Tim and Juliette encourage you that prayer brings a level of intimacy to your marriage and builds trust.

The Power of Prayer in Marriage 

Tim and Juliette shares about the importance of prayer in your marriage.

Tim encourages you that you can have a successful marriage! 
There is no obstacle that you can’t overcome with your spouse if you both submit to God and to each other. You may be the first married couple in your family not to get a divorce, or the first to establish a generational blessing that will affect multiple generations.

Tim prays for you and your marriage and asks for God to protect your marriage and relationship with Him and with each other. You can strengthen your marriage and God is there to help you!

Upset the Vows Conclusion 

Tim concludes this section with words of encouragement and some final thoughts to put his advice into practice.

Upset the Vows 

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This course is for every couple who desires to strengthen their marriage and see it flourish! Tim Ross and his wife Juliette will share their wisdom with you on how to repair and strengthen your marriage in whatever state it is currently in. God’s desire is for us to have healthy, successful and fulfilling marriages, and this can only be achieved if we center our marriages on Christ. Through this course, you will be provided a biblical understanding of marriage and be given helpful strategies to nourish your relationship.

Tim and Juliette don’t skip the hard stuff and they delve into some of the trickier questions and situations you can experience going through trials in marriage. Upset the Vows will be a powerful resource for you and your spouse and one that you will want to share with other couples too!

Tim-Ross.jpg

Tim Ross

International Speaker | Podcast Host

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Juliette Ross

Ministry Leader | Podcast Host

How is your marriage right now? Amazing? Mediocre? Or stale and in need of some help? What is the secret to a good marriage? Tim and Juliette will share their secrets to how they survived over two decades of marriage. Join them as they provide practical steps to take your marriage from struggling to thriving!

What the Secret Is to a Long Lasting Marriage 

The Value of Being Vulnerable With Your Spouse 

Strategies to Open Up Your Communication With Your Spouse

How to Respond to Relational Dysfunction in Marriage 

How to React When Your Partner Opens Up With Their Struggles

Your guide, Tim Ross

Your guide, Juliette Ross